President Obama has tasked NASA with reaching out more to the Muslim world. In response, CAIR filed a defamation suit against the White House, for tacitly affirming what many already suspect: Muslims are aliens.
Unless you were camping on the planet Pluto this past week, you undoubtedly saw or heard about the Lebon James HISTORIC decision making special on television. Millions of words have already been written about the announcement and an equal number of lives were (supposedly) economically affected by it in Ohio and Florida. In the interest of public sanity, I hereby offer a summation of what Lebron was saying to everyone by his Wayne’s World media lollapalooza,“Screw you, I’m a great basketball player!” There you have it.
As the most boring of all major sporting events snakes its way into my ESPN consciousness, I call my Time Warner guy and immediately increase my movie channels. There has to be a way to enjoy watching paint dry with a ball bouncing around. But, how? Read on…
In a recent televised appearance with the first lady at a public school in Silver Spring, Md., a Peruvian second grader named Daisy Cuevas expressed concern to Mrs. Obama, saying, ”My mom says that Barack Obama is taking away everybody that doesn’t have papers…my mom doesn’t have papers.” The first lady reportedly replied, “Don’t worry–neither does Barack’s aunt.” Media are calling little Daisy Cuevas the symbol of America’s undocumented. But I always thought that was Barack Obama. [End.]
Predictably, the newly crowned Miss USA Rima Fakih is a member of the Facebook group “It’s Palestine, not Israel.” Might I suggest a compromise to this name issue once and for all. Couldn’t we just call it Palestein? [End.]
When jeffandrus.com debuted on the world wide web in 2000, the first piece I posted was a short story written fourteen years earlier, Return of the Hun. I palmed it off on poliitcalmavens in May of 2007. The story is about a drunk out-of-work screenwriter who is a post-modern resurrection of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Pat Hobby character, another drunk, out-of-work screenwriter but in a classier time. A number of people have questioned my sleazy homage to Fitzgerald, wanting to know about the writer behind the character, as well they should. There are actually two writers—The Real Me and Toxic Jeff. We’re a team. And one of us would like to clear up some misconceptions.
Predictably, Bill Clinton is still alive and as healthy as ever after undergoing heart surgery on Thursday. He was finally fitted with a human heart to replace the mechanical one that was causing years of crocodile tears, and frequently malfunctioned: the tears would switch on heavily for world tragedies affecting people of color, but would dry up for Europeans that his bombs dismembered and for women that he raped.
In March I fulfilled one of my stand-up comedy goals: a tour to entertain the troops serving in Iraq and Kuwait. Having served in the region twice before as a U. S. Marine, during this Iraq War and The Persian Gulf War, the comedy tour took on even more meaning. Being Jewish added another layer: I was a Jew in an Arab country. More importantly, I was glad to let the troops know that this New York Jew, although a transplant from New Mexico, supports them and their mission.
See my little fantasy on another scandal at UAE (University of East Anglia) - but this time at its famous Creative Writing M.A. Programme, which has - really - produced an extraordinary number of Man-Booker Prize-winning novelists since its founding in 1970 by Malcolm Bradbury and Angus Wilson.
It’s where George W. Bush went to find love, and now where Bill Clinton has gone to find relevance: Greater Albania. Clinton traveled to Kosovo over the weekend to attend the long-anticipated unveiling of the statue honoring him for killing Serbs. The sculpture is taller and heavier than the actual man, and is reportedly less boring to talk to and has more character. [End.]
We want to congratulate our Dear Leader for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. We hear he is also being considered for the American League MVP, the Heisman Trophy, and an Oscar. We wish Dear Leader the best of luck in all his great accomplishments.
The Jimmy Carter Presidential Museum reopened recently after a major renovation that shifted emphasis to his post-presidency, since those were the years when he accomplished the most. After he dies there will be another renovation, to highlight how much more good he’ll be accomplishing than when he was alive.
It appears that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be Jewish. I guess this means that the Anti-Christ is a Jew after all. (He was just a crafty enough Jew to figure out it’s a lot easier to get away with stuff if you’re Muslim.) [End.]
Director Roman Polanski was arrested in Zurich last week. Interestingly, his victim Samantha Geimer, who successfully sued him years ago, supports Polanski’s bid to have the case dismissed, saying she just wants to put the whole thing behind her. I thought he already put it behind her. Isn’t that how this whole thing started? [End.]
With the announcement that Sarah Palin’s memoir is coming out in November, it emerged that most modern political memoirs are ghost-writen. That includes Bill Clinton’s monotonous 1000-page tome, roundly panned by critics and ever so originally titled My Life. This means that there is actually someone more boring and long-winded than Bill Clinton.
There was a whole lot of controversy yesterday over whether Obama gave a girl’s rear end the once-over — or not. A ridiculous thing to have any question about to begin with. I mean, why would a gay man look at a woman’s behind?
My conservative comedy competitor Evan Sayet is having his next semi-monthly performance of “Right to Laugh,” starring himself and a striking female conservative named Al Sonja Schmidt. I heard her act the last time I did the show and was pleasantly surprised, which means unpleasantly surprised, because now I’ve got even more competition.
At one point Michael Jackson had a rabbi and was studying to become Jewish before deciding to convert to Islam. What a choice! It’s like, “Hm, do I want to be a Jew…or an anti-Semite? Jew, anti-Semite…Jew, anti-Semite…” I guess in the end he decided that the latter was just morefun. [End.]
Like the conservatives and liberals alike who were outraged by Playboy.com’s hate-sex fantasies about Republican women this month, I also took exception to Guy Cimbalo’s immediately-pulled piece “So Right It’s Wrong.”
I know he’s not dead yet, but like so many newspapers which compose obituaries years in advance of a major figure’s death — just to be ready — I’ve been sitting on this one for a while. And I just couldn’t wait anymore. I also figured it’s best to publish now, since it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead.
Poll shows partisan divide on Middle East conflict: “80 percent of likely Obama voters were in total agreement with the phrase, ‘It’s time for the United States to get tough with Israel.’” The other 20 percent were the Dumb Jews who voted for him. [End.]
Scientists have finally discovered a 47-million-year-old fossil, named “Ida”, that they say is the species that “bridges the evolutionary split between higher primates such as humans and their more distant relatives such as lemurs.” Which is very odd. I thought we found the missing link 1400 years ago and his name was Muhammad. [End.]
Biden Reveals Location of Secret VP Bunker: ”The vice president…confirms at a dinner the existence and location of a secret hidden bunker that Cheney is believed to have used after the 9/11 attacks, divulging potentially classified information meant to save the life of a sitting vice president.” WELL, NOW IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY! [End.]