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Associated Press/Mark Baker - Prince William and his wife Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge take their shoes off before entering a mosque in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Friday, Sept. 14, 2012.

They’re positively giddy!
Black people in America figured out the following about white people a long time ago: The bigger they smile at you, the more scared they are of you.

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That is the question that Rock Cellar Magazine’s “Both Sides Now!” section tackles in the current issue. Since Obama is obviously a socialist and worse, I did the “pro” side. Meaning, yes he’s a socialist. My friend Ed Rampell, a regular contributor to the magazine, did the “con” side, since he’s a real socialist and doesn’t see Obama as the real thing. (I told him he needs to appreciate the concept of transition. Meaning, if Obama gets reelected, he’ll show Ed they really are on the same page.)

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Comic strips never really die. Charlie Brown is forever about to kick the football that Lucy is helpfully teeing up for him. Dagwood eternally gazes in rapt anticipation at a sandwich a foot high. Krazy Kat swoons in expectation of his daily brick to the head.

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So, the silver lining is, I got a new dishwasher out of the deal.

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Before us men get too excited here and begin buying large amounts of stock in Amstel light, let me clarify this recent C-Date survey. It was polled in Germany, not the United States. But, still I have a feeling that our ladies here are falling into similar numbers when it comes to their sexual motivations and habits. Why? Let me list the reasons…

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“Toronto - A local bookstore has ’sold out’ of a controversial marriage guide that advises Muslim men on how to beat their wives….its author [also] advises that ‘the husband should treat the wife with kindness and love, even if she tends to be stupid and slow sometimes.’” Stupid enough to marry a Muslim. And slow enough to not run away. [End.]

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So it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is a Muslim who works for Hillary Clinton. This explains a lot. He must have figured that if she likes Hillary so much, then — like Hillary — she wouldn’t mind if he showed his pee-pee to others.

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If any administration was going to invite to the White House a rapper whose lyrics have supported a cop killer and advocated the killing of President George W. Bush, it would be this one, as demonstrated by its hosting of rapper Common at a “poetry” event.  But why should rap “music” be the preserve of thugs who preach violence.  How about a conservative rap song, like this:

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Added to the certainty of death and taxes is the certainty that the mainstream media will give virtually all the credit for the death of Osama bin Laden to President Barack Obama. As it’s shilling for Obama continues right up to the 2012 presidential election, one would eventually be led to believe it was Obama himself who burst into bin Laden’s compound and shot him. But how differently the MSM would have played it if what happened Sunday had happened during the presidency of George W. Bush. The coverage might look something like this:

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Republicans are widely expected to score big in today’s elections, but unfortunately not big enough to keep the Obama-worshiping media from spinning the results, something like this:

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Did anyone else find it interesting that Iran’s nuclear computer got hacked — and the next day Jimmy Carter checked himself into the hospital? This means that if and when Israel finally bombs Iran’s nukes, it could finally kill the man. Apparently, the news merely upset Jimmah’s stomach and he was released the next day.

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I remember in the weeks and months after 9/11 Western reporters were having the same problems whenever they went to mosques to interview imams or whoever else was relevant to a story — and the young boys in the mosques were all over the reporters’ private parts.

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The Dove  World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida scrapped its plans to hold the ultimate test of whether free speech is still safe in America this past Sept. 11: Koran-burning. Pastor Terry Jones succumbed to criticism from all quarters: Democrats, Republicans, the public, and all their Islamic masters. But it’s natural that everyone was so upset. After all, this is the Muslims’ holy book we’re talking about. I mean, can you imagine burning a German’s copy of Mein Kampf? [End.]

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Isn’t that kind of like the KKK getting extra protection on Hitler’s birthday? 

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Over the weekend Chelsea Clinton married her fiance Marc Mezvinsky, whose father is a former Iowa congressman and convicted felon who served several years in prison for defrauding investors out of 10 million dollars. I’d call that Keepin’ it Clinton! [End.]

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President Obama has tasked NASA with reaching out more to the Muslim world. In response, CAIR filed a defamation suit against the White House, for tacitly affirming what many already suspect: Muslims are aliens.

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Check out this WWII Bosnian-Muslim soldier of the Hitler-allied Croatian Ustasha regime, from the Axis History Forum. He clearly likes what he sees:

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Unless you were camping on the planet Pluto this past week, you undoubtedly saw or heard about the Lebon James HISTORIC decision making special on television. Millions of words have already been written about the announcement and an equal number of lives were (supposedly) economically affected by it in Ohio and Florida. In the interest of public sanity, I hereby offer a summation of what Lebron was saying to everyone by his Wayne’s World media lollapalooza, “Screw you, I’m a great basketball player!” There you have it.

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Tom Cruise bombed at the box office over the weekend, but a mosque being built at Ground Zero is apparently a big hit. Americans just can’t forget the actor’s antics the way they did 9/11. [End.]

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Bremner fears joke about Islam would mean death

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As the most boring of all major sporting events snakes its way into my ESPN consciousness, I call my Time Warner guy and immediately increase my movie channels. There has to be a way to enjoy watching paint dry with a ball bouncing around. But, how? Read on…

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Our friend Caroline Glick (and chums) gets to the satirical truth with this bravura performance. Don’t miss!

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In a recent televised appearance with the first lady at a public school in Silver Spring, Md., a Peruvian second grader named Daisy Cuevas expressed concern to Mrs. Obama, saying, ”My mom says that Barack Obama is taking away everybody that doesn’t have papers…my mom doesn’t have papers.” The first lady reportedly replied, “Don’t worry–neither does Barack’s aunt.” Media are calling little Daisy Cuevas the symbol of America’s undocumented. But I always thought that was Barack Obama. [End.]

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Predictably, the newly crowned Miss USA Rima Fakih is a member of the Facebook group “It’s Palestine, not Israel.” Might I suggest a compromise to this name issue once and for all. Couldn’t we just call it Palestein? [End.]

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When jeffandrus.com  debuted on the world wide web in 2000, the first piece I posted was a short story written fourteen years earlier, Return of the Hun.  I palmed it off on poliitcalmavens in May of 2007.  The story is about  a drunk out-of-work screenwriter who is a post-modern resurrection of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Pat Hobby character, another drunk, out-of-work screenwriter but in a classier time.   A number of people have questioned my sleazy homage to Fitzgerald, wanting to know about the writer behind the character, as well they should.  There are actually two writers—The Real Me and Toxic Jeff.  We’re a team.   And one of us would like to clear up some misconceptions.

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Predictably, Bill Clinton is still alive and as healthy as ever after undergoing heart surgery on Thursday. He was finally fitted with a human heart to replace the mechanical one that was causing years of crocodile tears, and frequently malfunctioned: the tears would switch on heavily for world tragedies affecting people of color, but would dry up for Europeans that his bombs dismembered and for women that he raped.

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In March I fulfilled one of my stand-up comedy goals: a tour to entertain the troops serving in Iraq and Kuwait.  Having served in the region twice before as a U. S. Marine, during this Iraq War and The Persian Gulf War, the comedy tour took on even more meaning.  Being Jewish added another layer: I was a Jew in an Arab country.  More importantly, I was glad to let the troops know that this New York Jew, although a transplant from New Mexico, supports them and their mission.

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See my little fantasy on another scandal at UAE (University of East Anglia) - but this time at its famous Creative Writing M.A. Programme, which has - really - produced an extraordinary number of Man-Booker Prize-winning novelists since its founding in 1970 by Malcolm Bradbury and Angus Wilson.

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It’s where George W. Bush went to find love, and now where Bill Clinton has gone to find relevance: Greater Albania. Clinton traveled to Kosovo over the weekend to attend the long-anticipated unveiling of the statue honoring him for killing Serbs. The sculpture is taller and heavier than the actual man, and is reportedly less boring to talk to and has more character. [End.]

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