If you were watching CNN on New Year’s Eve like I was you were subjected to a patter of inane and self-serving comments by Anderson Cooper’s co-host, Kathy Griffin. She fancies herself as an edgy comedienne much like Pluto fancies itself as a significant planet. Both are small-minded and universally irritating. Unfortunately, Griffin has a mouth and us earthlings are forced to listen to her accidentally from time to time. This is a desperate woman not trying to save her career but attempting to build one. She has been so blatantly unsuccessful at this point that she is now resorting to using shock statements to build an audience. Unforturnately, the intellectual level she calls home is best represented by those who went to bed after mommy and daddy tucked them in with their dolls.

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We buried our father yesterday. His name was J.J. Hurley. He was 89 years old. But, if you love your parent that does not begin to tell the story. Obituaries are like deck chairs on the Titanic. Adornment is never a satisfying explanation for the way your heart feels for someone who was larger than life. For the woman in his life, his five children and seven grandchildren he was always there. A presence of wit, strength, honor, charisma and selflessness. It is difficult to lose a parent. It is devastating to lose one you loved and respected on a daily basis.

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Sometimes we get caught up in something that engulfs us when all we ever wanted to do was the right thing. When the lava begins flowing over us it is suddenly we realize that maybe we should have checked that mountain a little more carefully before we began climbing it. If Rick Warren is feeling that way this morning it is understandable. If he is not feeling that way then maybe he does not fully realize the problem he is creating for himself and his followers.

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As we head down the home stretch to elect a President I have a few suggestions for the old PlOWhorse who has about as much spark as Mr. Ed trying to catch Secretariat at the Belmont. For some reason, John McCain has not invigorated many of his supporters and I think it is time for me to show my ability as a campaign manager since I DID lead three of my young steeds to the presidency when I was in community college. Impressive, I know.

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Chicago Public Schools announced today the plans to fund a new high school exlusively for gay and lesbian students. The school will be named, The School for Social Justice Pride Campus. Since we are breaking new ground here in education and tolerance why add only one new school? Heck, teenagers are always complaining about SOMETHING! Let’s really give in to them in other areas as well. Here are my suggestions for new campuses to ensure that we allow the youth of today to become even more coddled…

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Last night the Democrats got a preview of the future. It was a 750 mm howitzer leveled at them. They expected a simple-minded, small town rube. Instead, they experienced a blend of Ronald Reagan, Ann Coulter and Rita Rudner. She was charming, tough and graceful. She was also the Democrat’s nightmare…she was down to earth, family-centered, full of heart and for the common man. Translation: She was similar to a Democrat except with brains, common sense, compassion and depth. Like many Republicans I was not sure I would vote this year. But, after hearing Sarah the Hockey Mom, I registered this morning!

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I have several friends from the South who tell me they will never live in California because they are deathly afraid of earthquakes. Naturally, when I point out the fact they have far more deadly possibilities with hurricanes and tornadoes their argument is, “Yeah, but we KNOW those are coming. With an earthquake you don’t!” I just shake my head and smile smugly, “We love our earthquakes out here. They are our creative friends who give us a free amusement park ride from time to time. They are harmless.” I really believed that…until yesterday.

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A study released today confirmed what I have always suspected: Bad Boys get the Girls. My day, along with the rest of my life, is officially RUINED! I have as much chance of being a Bad Boy as James Bond ordering milk. In order for me to get babes, I would have to change several things beginning with that I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. When I walk into a room, women don’t say, “Psst, check out the guy with the dark side…” They giggle, “Set the oven to 425 degrees and hand me the butter!”

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I understand why the Democrats have trouble winning the Presidency. They have a knack for choosing the dumbest candidates who, of course, behave, uh…dumbly. If Barack Obama selects Hillary Clinton for his Vice-President there will be a second sequel to the movie, “Dumb and Dumber!” Both of them will regret that move intellectually and politically forever…

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I was trying to take a nap and as usual, I was having trouble falling asleep. So, I began thinking about intellectual questions. Since I am not very deep, I came across a thought that stumped me enough to get out of bed and type it on my computer. What is the Greatest Night of your Life? To make the question even more trickier to answer try to come up with an evening that does not involve your family in any way. Your wedding ceremony, the birth of a child, Valentine’s night with your spouse are all off limits. Let’s make this interesting!

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It is likely that John McCain will be our next President if he is still breathing in November. I mean, he is OLD! But, he is white, safe, grandfatherly looking, vanilla…basically, the perfect set of assets for another boring President. Barack Obama is much more exciting, but let’s face it, he scares the heck out of most people who do not reside in Cuba. He is good-looking, vibrant, exciting, charismatic and once the curtains close behind voters in the red states, he will be the second-place finisher on election night. If…John McCain doesn’t screw up with his choice of a running mate…

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In a last ditch move to win the Democratic party nomination, Senator Hillary Clinton of New York admitted today she has been secretly plotting to have her opponent killed soon. Very soon. “For the good of the country and to successfully counter the vast left-wing conspiracy out there, I think Obama should sleep with the fishes,” she announced at a press conference in her recently adopted home state of South Dakota.

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We live in a society that relies more on technology than trusting others. It treasures materialism more than people that matter. It revels in gossip over grace. It honors achievement over altruism and celebrates takers over givers. That is why it is refreshing when you meet an incredible human being who goes against the flow of selfishness and  gives her life daily for those less fortunate. Unfortunately, I should have written went against the flow because since this past week she is no longer with us. She is no longer making this world a better place because of her love and sacrifice. She was taken from us as abruptly as an arrow piercing the heart of a people who are mourning the loss of someone they deeply respected and looked up to on an every day basis. She is gone…

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In a stunning turnabout, Senator Hillary Clinton is now claiming there WAS sniper fire when she raced from her plane to safety on her trip there in 1996. “I admitted that I am ‘human’ but I was misunderstood. I was just trying to be humble! Now that I have seen the footage from that trip it is obviously a phony video made to look like I was completely safe when in fact I was NOT! This is the lowest level that Senator Obama and his people have stooped to in this campaign and, as a result, I am no longer considering him for my Vice-President! He is now Thomas Eagleton to me.”

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I have been a huge music fan since the third grade. From the dulcet tones of the McGuire Sisters to the crooning of Perry Como and the antics of David Seville and the Chipmunks, I have heard it all. I believe there have been culturally changing masters that have influenced ourtles-elvis- music world beginning with Big Bands in the 40’s, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Buddy Holly and Jerry Lee Lewis in the 50’s, Bob Dylan and the British Invasion in the 60’s, the Eagles, Chicago and Queen in the 70’s and, of course, the synthesizer in the 80’s when music died. Of course, the three biggest names in music that ROCKED our sensibilities were Sinatra, Elvis and the Beatles. Only the Stones have come close and only because they continue to play for hundreds of years. But now, a fourth person has snuck up on all us and is in position to top them all in terms of #1 hits. Her name is Mariah Carey. Will someone hit me over the head with a Fender guitar, please!

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This is my third year of watching, “American Idol.” I have two observations. The first is that I believe the musical talent of the current contestants is superior to previous years. The second insight is that I have never seen such immature and arrogant behavior displayed by this year’s crop of crybabies. If they are indicative of our future generations in the 21st Century then we need to seriously pray for a giant meteor…

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Aruban commentator: We are momentarily waiting for Joran Van der Sloot, one of the three men suspected in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. He is going to make a statement and answer some questions regarding his innocence regarding Miss Holloway’s vanishing and hopefully put all the rumors to rest that he had anything to do with any criminal activity the last night she was seen and also help our wonderful country regain their tourism dollars…Here he comes now.

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In the movie, “What about Bob?”, Bill Murray’s character says to his therapist, ”There are two types of people in this world; those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t!” I happen to fall into the former category. I have always liked his music. I think he is a creative and vocal genius. My favorites include, “Cracklin’ Rosie,” “I Am…I Said,” “Shiloh” and my all-time favorite, “Sweet Caroline.” Until…today. Now, I don’t know what to think…

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Ripon High School is located just north of Modesto, California. But, over the past few days it may as well been mentioned in the same breath as the Middle East. For it was there that the Great Cheerleader Battle took place between fuddy duddy adults and the coolest hip chicks in school. Without taking sides here, let me detail for you a hilarious saga of youth vs. adults over a, “mooning” incident at the local football game.

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Thanks to YouTube, Miss Teen South Carolina is the village idiot of the global community. In the old days, her mangled answer to the question, “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map Why do you think this is? would have been only heard by a few hundred people. Of course, in the old days, FDR would never have been elected President because he spoke from a wheel chair. Today’s imperfection is the next morning’s hilarious reality. Unfortunately, one small misstep for a man (or a woman) is bigger news than the first moon landing. In the interest of teaching young people today how to cope with really stupid questions, here are some alternative answers that she should have used with the wit and charm of the sassy teenager that better exemplifies her personality. I guarantee that these comebacks would have endeared her to smart alecks everywhere. First, the question:

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(Setting: A spectacular mansion on several hundred acres in the North Carolina mountains. A woman is sitting on a large outdoor deck swatting flies with rolled up campaign poster of John Kerry. A man with a $400.00 haircut tentatively approaches and gently sits down next to her)

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Certain news stories convince me there should be an intelligence test before someone is allowed to have sex just in case they happen to wind up as a PARENT! Take the case of the mommy in Ohio. Right now it is a legal case but it should be more aptly defined as a nut case…

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In a stunning move as he prepares to open a three game series with his hated rivals, Barry Bonds has purchased Chavez Ravine and the stadium that occupies it. “It’s just for a few days. I thought it would be a fun investment. I plan to flip it back to the Dodgers when we leave town following Thursday’s game.”

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A horrifying report came out this week when it was revealed that astronauts were allowed to fly on at least two occasions while they were (gasp!) drunk! Supposedly, this posed a flight risk. Oh really? Before we get a little crazy and have the good folks from MADD (Meteors Against Drunk Drivers) up in arms let’s examine a few facts shall we?

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There are two kinds of dumb; lack of intellectual depth and self-imposed stupidity. The first is excusable, the latter is not. No one ever expected much from Alfred E. Neuman, but if Bill O’Reilly ever hoped to become a credible journalist he needs to start by apologizing to Dave Holloway and Beth Twitty for the unprofessional report he made concerning their daughter, Natalee.

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Being a single man who doesn’t date all that much I was pretty disheartened to read the new article by the Today show contributor, Dr. Gail Saltz. She uses three points in her column to prove her contention that S-E-X contributes to a healthy life. Since I do not believe in sex outside of marriage and I am currently NOT married, I am going to have to adapt my ways with my next girlfriend…

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There it was in black and white on MSNBC…”Tiger Attacks Employee at San Antonio Zoo!” I was shocked and appalled at the behavior of this golf superstar. Obviously, the pressures of not winning a major lately and having a new baby are really getting to this guy…

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Richard Nixon has finally come out of the closet. Actually, he has been dragged, kicking and screaming from his self-appointed legacy to one that is finally factual at its core. Until March, there was this little room in his library that told his story of Watergate and as a result his memorial, just as his Presidency, was never taken seriously. That all changed with the appointment of a federal overseer four months ago. We now have a Presidential Library that tells the truth about the President and all his Men.

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So, today is your birthday. You have been getting free meals on July 4th at Denny’s for quite some time now. In honor of you becoming another year older, I want to thank you for a few things that have made my life with you worthwhile. I guess the best place to start is how much I have enjoyed a lot of the freedoms that other citizens in other countries lack, namely the right to worship, speak and listen to rock music without being dragged in front of a firing squad.

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Every summer I engage in an activity that rivals running with the bulls in Pamplona except my exercise is far more dangerous. In Spain, I can see the potential pitfalls up close and personal. In my experiences, I rarely see or feel the end until it comes crashing down on me. My passion? I am an internet dater on matchmaking services. May God have mercy on my soul.

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I am a Christian. I am also a political conservative. According to Mark Joseph’s terribly misguided article, I am a member of the Christian right-wingers who did not appreciate Hollywood trying to mix entertainment and religion in the tongue in cheek saga of Noah. I appreciate Hollywood trying to make a funny movie. I did not appreciate Steve Carell trying to carry a film. THAT…was the problem, not the blending of God and humor.

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This week they honored two celebrities for being outstanding vegans. I looked at them and scanned the list of past winners and was impressed with how thin and beautiful they were. I made a decision to become one of them. It was time to get healthy in the prime of my life. I was going to become a non-meater and join the Land that Time Forgot. Dinosaurs, reptiles, “Weird Al” Yankovic and me. There was one teeny problem…

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Now that the Vatican has released the Ten Commandments for driving, (I guess the original ones given to Moses were a little unrealistic and outdated for today’s progressive culture) I have turned over a new leaf. I have always wanted to please God and now I have some specific rules to follow when I am on the road with all the idio…oops, I mean my beloved fellow travelers…

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It is time to trade Kobe Bryant. Off the planet. Maybe we can swap him for Pluto. It would be a fair exchange. Where once they had value and high esteem in the order of things they have fallen from grace. They are both losers.

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A great television show should have an even greater final episode a la Mary Tyler Moore or M.A.S.H. It should not be hurtfully embarrassing like Seinfeld or in the convoluted futurama of Dallas. The Sopranos has a chance to be as memorable in its last gasp as the ending to The Godfather. After eight years we want the BADA-BING!

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