Congressman Eskridge of Idaho says it’s wrong for the U.S. to make its northern border policy identical to the southern policy because the two borders are so different.  For example, there aren’t nearly as many Home Depots.

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One of three escaped inmates from an Indiana prison was captured by a bodyguard for Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, who turned him over to authorities…and gave him an absentee ballot.

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Iran’s police chief says Neda Soltan’s murder was staged.  Ironic, since the election she was protesting was staged, too.

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President Obama is bucking the custom of taking his Secretary of State along on foreign travels.  Clinton is obviously very disappointed.  So is Hillary.

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Iran’s main electoral body says it found no evidence of fraud in the presidential election results.  Then, just for the heck of it, they hanged a guy named Chad.

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Al Franken’s victory in the Minnesota Senate race means Democrats have 60 voting members…but still none that are funny.

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Though he says he “crossed the line” with other women, Mark Sanford says he never “crossed the ultimate line” with anyone other than his Argentine mistress.  By “the ultimate line,” I’m assuming he means the Equator.

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The new Miss Georgia relinquished her title a day after winning the crown.  When asked why, she said, “Oh, you’ll see.”

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John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with his mistress.  He hoped to one day have a presidential library with an “Adult” section.

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North Korea says there will be “a thousand-fold military retaliation” if they are provoked by the U.S….and if Kim Jong Il’s next pair of gigantic glasses isn’t ready in about an hour.

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South Carolina Governor Sanford has admitted to being in Argentina with his mistress while telling staffers he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail.  He is being criticized for lying to his family and constituents, but being praised for inventing a great new euphemism.

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Janet Napolitano says she will end the Bush-era practice of using satellites for domestic spying.  Makes sense to her, I guess, since so many service members are stationed overseas.

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A hiker missing for three days in North Cascades National Park has been found safe.  Doctors say he is cold, hungry, and somehow “married” to a bear.

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An Iowa school district hired a collection agency to collect lunch money debts. When asked if they thought it would work, a spokesperson replied, “Have YOU ever tried swinging from the monkey bars with broken thumbs?”

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Kids in Massachusetts played a 36-hour, 101-inning baseball game for charity.  The charity part was when they decided to let the Nationals win.

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Benjamin Netanyahu says he supports the establishment of a Palestinian state as long as it has no military capabilities…or a Home Depot.

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Brad Pitt says he cleans himself with baby wipes when he doesn’t have time to take a shower.  And trust me, you don’t want to know what he REDACTED.

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A 16-year-old Iraqi teen claims he has solved a math puzzle that had gone unsolved for 300 years.  But like most Iraqis, he thinks the answer is “destroy Israel.”

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White House officials feel confident President Obama’s Cairo University speech reached its target Muslim audience.  Ironic, since REDACTED.

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President Obama wants to know if the government is classifying too much information.  To which Vice-President Biden said, “I can take care of that for you.”

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The Air Force reportedly has a weapon that causes electronic devices to stop working properly.  It’s good to see someone finally found a way to use Microsoft Vista.

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A British teacher has been fired for writing an erotic novel about some of her students.  Or, as Sting calls it, “One of my early hits.”

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Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine, is already under fire for allegedly allowing easy access to pornography.  Men across America were outraged…until their wives left the room, then they all high-fived each other.

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Wikipedia has blocked access from computers linked to the Church of Scientology.  And who can blame them?  The last thing they want on their website is a bunch of nonsense someone made up.  Oh, wait…

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South Korea and the U.S. have put their troops on the peninsula on high alert after North Korea renounced the truce that ended the Korean War. They’ve also asked Alan Alda to keep his calendar open for awhile.

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Drew Peterson called a Chicago radio show from prison Wednesday morning because he says humor helps him deal with stress.  And crowbars help him deal with marital disputes.

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GM will give the United Auto Workers 17.5 percent of its common stock.  Apparently they were out of toilet paper in the union hall.

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Honolulu conducted its municipal elections totally on-line.  City officials say there were no problems…except Tila Tequila is now mayor.

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Many cell phone companies now provide applications that help parents comfort fussy babies.  The most used is one that allows dad to pretend he’s got an important call so Mom has to deal with the child.

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Senate Majority Leader Reid made three inaccurate statements during a press conference on Monday.  Aides wrote it off as a simple misunderstanding…and a strong desire to be Vice President.

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Drew Peterson pleaded not guilty to murdering his third wife.  He then added, “We ARE talking about the third one, right?”

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The University of North Dakota has agreed to drop its “Fighting Sioux” mascot. From now on, they’ll call themselves “Fighting Sue” and tell everyone they’re named after Susan Boyle.Lawmakers have introduced a bill that would label satellite providers as “terrorists” if they carry “incendiary television stations.” The bill is meant to protect Americans from hate speech, terrorist propaganda and reruns of “Saved By The Bell.”

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The U.N.’s World Food Program says it needs $6.3 billion this year, up $600 million from last year.  They cite the fighting in Darfur, continuing third-world famine and Rosie O’Donnell’s inability to find work.

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The House Majority Leader is calling for hearings into what Speaker Pelosi’s claim that she didn’t know harsh interrogation techniques were being used in Iraq.  When asked to comment, the Speaker claimed that, at the time, she didn’t know she’d been elected to Congress.

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The projected budget deficit for 2009 is now four times higher than last year’s.  Officials say most of the expense came from having teleprompters installed in every room of The White House.

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