Congressman Eskridge of Idaho says it’s wrong for the U.S. to make its northern border policy identical to the southern policy because the two borders are so different. For example, there aren’t nearly as many Home Depots.
Though he says he “crossed the line” with other women, Mark Sanford says he never “crossed the ultimate line” with anyone other than his Argentine mistress. By “the ultimate line,” I’m assuming he means the Equator.
South Carolina Governor Sanford has admitted to being in Argentina with his mistress while telling staffers he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He is being criticized for lying to his family and constituents, but being praised for inventing a great new euphemism.
An Iowa school district hired a collection agency to collect lunch money debts. When asked if they thought it would work, a spokesperson replied, “Have YOU ever tried swinging from the monkey bars with broken thumbs?”
Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine, is already under fire for allegedly allowing easy access to pornography. Men across America were outraged…until their wives left the room, then they all high-fived each other.
South Korea and the U.S. have put their troops on the peninsula on high alert after North Korea renounced the truce that ended the Korean War. They’ve also asked Alan Alda to keep his calendar open for awhile.
The University of North Dakota has agreed to drop its “Fighting Sioux” mascot. From now on, they’ll call themselves “Fighting Sue” and tell everyone they’re named after Susan Boyle.Lawmakers have introduced a bill that would label satellite providers as “terrorists” if they carry “incendiary television stations.” The bill is meant to protect Americans from hate speech, terrorist propaganda and reruns of “Saved By The Bell.”
The U.N.’s World Food Program says it needs $6.3 billion this year, up $600 million from last year. They cite the fighting in Darfur, continuing third-world famine and Rosie O’Donnell’s inability to find work.
The House Majority Leader is calling for hearings into what Speaker Pelosi’s claim that she didn’t know harsh interrogation techniques were being used in Iraq. When asked to comment, the Speaker claimed that, at the time, she didn’t know she’d been elected to Congress.