… That’s what I said, “Spy pigeon jailed in India.” You are not having an acid flashback. News sources say the James Bondish bird was apprehended by authorities in Manwal, two miles from the Pakistani border.
A fourteen year old boy became suspicious of the avian agent, when he noticed the bird had a wire-like object attached to its body and a stamped message on its tail. The message, written in Urdu, read ‘Tehsil Shakargarh, district, Narowal,’ along with a series of numbers.
Translators say the English translation is ‘Man, that Mayweather/Pacquioa fight sucked!’ No, just kidding.
Actually, there has been no translation released as of yet, and it’s believed the message is some sort of code.
Police x-rayed the cryptic critter and found nothing unusual. That is, aside from a particularly meaty breast and a look of general deliciousness. Particularly with the right blend of herbs and spices.
Police say the bird remains in custody as a ‘suspected spy.’
Earlier this year ISIS militants captured fifteen pigeons breeders in Iraq, after deciding that bird keeping runs afoul of Islam. (This is normally where I would make some sort of biting crack… but frankly, I’d rather not star in an ISIS beheading video.)
Three of the detained bird keepers were reportedly killed. (See what I mean?)
Is this insane? Can a pigeon really be a spy? I don’t know. I really can’t judge this fairly, as I spent the first few years of my life in New York City, where pigeons are viewed basically as flying vermin. And they should be. They poop all over absolutely everything. Virtually every square inch of Manhattan is festooned in a base coat of pigeon guano, then sealed with a shellack of wino pee.
And pigeons know what they are doing. They poop most enthusiastically on our holiest shrines; the Statue of Liberty, the statue of Teddy Roosevelt in front of the library and the Empire state building, all feet thick in poop.
Late great New York comedian Rick Aviles said “I wish they would build a statue of a pigeon and I’d climb up there and sh*t on it!”
I could not agree more.
And if you think New York is bad for pigeons, and it is, go to Paris some time. The whole city is so awash in pigeon droppings that it has the ammonia stench of centuries of fermented poop. It’s like they are making pigeon poop cognac on every sidewalk.
So what will become of this captured crapper in India? Well, experts say there are two main possibilities; curry and tandoori. But seriously, what are the odds of this bird not being eaten? This verdict is more stacked than the Saddam Hussein trial.
If you are still surprised by any news that comes out of the Middle East, you shouldn’t be. This is same place where fifty year old men marry eight year old girls, (Saudi Arabia) and men shoot little girls in the head for wanting to go to school. (Afghanistan)
But hey, you have to suspend some serious disbelief, when your country’s primary Middle East strategy involves selling weapons and making oil companies richer.
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