News Item: IRS Targets Groups With “Patriot” In Their Name
Scene: An IRS Field Office in Cincinnati. Agent in charge, Homer Toady. Enter baby-faced Tom Brady, hair perfect, immaculately attired in an Armani suit. On his arm, his glamorous supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, in a low-cut dress. An unimpressed secretary asks them to take a seat. After a brief wait, she says, “Agent Toady is ready for you, Mr. Brady. You can go in. Your wife can wait out here.”
Brady encounters a small, drab man with horn-rimmed glasses in a disheveled suit who asks him to sit down. The agent’s nametag says “IRS Toady”.
“Mr. Brady, you’re probably wondering why we brought you here. In looking over your files, it appears you belong to a “Patriot” organization.
“I’m quarterback of the New England Patriots. The football team”
“We here at the IRS don’t follow football, Mr. Brady. So you are indeed a Patriot. You operate out of New England? We have traditionally had tax trouble with Massachusetts. It says you work near Boston. You wouldn’t have a connection to the Tea Party, would you?”
“No! I’m a quarterback.”
“Yes, we’ll get to that. It says here you made over $6 million last year. Lot of money for someone who just plays a game. And your wife made over $20 million. How does that work?”
“She’s a supermodel. And she’s gorgeous, really. Would you like to see her, She just outside. I can bring her…”
Toady, uninterested, cut him off abruptly. “That won’t be necessary. We’ll come back to the supermodel thing later. Right now, I’m more concerned with this Patriot organization. It says the leader is a Mr. William Belichick. Do you know him?”
“Of course, Bill Belichick, coach of the Patriots.”
“So you do know him. Interesting. We’ll have to bring him in. His file says he has been investigated for spying.”
Brady, exasperated, says, ”No, no, no. All he did was secretly videotape the Jets’ signals while they practiced.”
“Covert surveillance. I see, Mr. Brady. And here is a picture of him in public dressed in paramilitary garb.”
“That’s just his hoodie. He wears that on the sideline during games.”
“A “hoodie’, you say. Fascinating.”
Toady suddenly changed the line of questioning as Brady became more flustered.
“Mr. Brady. We have a number of these so-called ‘quarterbacks’ on file. Pretty suspicious fellows. We’d like to know if you know any of them. Have you ever heard of a Timothy Tebow?”
Sure. Tim Tebow. He was with the Jets last year”.
“Ah yes, the group your leader was conducting surveillance on. Is this Tebow a quarterback?”
“Not exactly. It’s a long story.”
Toady looked at him suspiciously and said sternly, “Mr. Tebow happens to belong to a number of religious organizations. But we’ll move on. Do you know a Jay Cutler?”
“Yes. Plays for the Chicago Bears. Throws lots of interceptions.”
“That’s what it says here. Do you know he also is a major contributor to the Jewish Defense Fund?”
“Jay Cutler? Are you sure? He’s not Jewish.”
“Mr. Brady, It says in his file he is very active with the JDF.”
“That’s the Juvenile Diabetes Foundation. He’s diabetic”.
“So you say”. Then he caught Brady off-guard. “It turns out like you, he is also “married” to a so-called supermodel who makes millions of dollars. Doesn’t that strike you as suspicious”
Brady started sweating. “It’s just a coincidence”.
“Mr. Brady, at the IRS there are no coincidences. But let’s go forward. Know an Aaron Rodgers?”
“Great player. Quarterback at Green Bay.”
“Yes, Mr. Brady. That’s what bothers us. Our last known listing for Mr. Rogers was as host of a children’s television show out of Pittsburgh. Deceased as of 2003. And now he turns up alive, with a huge income in, of all places, Green Bay? I’m making a note of that. Almost done, Mr. Brady. Do you know a young man named Colin Kapernick?”
“Yes, the rookie quarterback in San Francisco. He runs the Pistol Offense for the 49’ers.”
Toady’s eyebrows raised. “That’s pistol, as in firearm? So are these 49’ers a gun organization? NRA perhaps?”.
Toady didn’t wait for a response. He simply checked a box on a sheet of paper.
Brady, drenched in sweat, was now completely drained by the encounter.
One last thing, Mr. Brady. Do you know the Manning Brothers?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Are they anything like the Koch Brothers? Pair of evil conspirators?
Brady smirked at the thought of Peyton Manning. “Actually Peyton, the older one, quarterbacks in Denver. Nice guy. I beat his brains out in the playoffs many times when he played for Indianapolis.”
Agent Toady then asked, “How about the younger Manning? Our files say he is based out of New York”.
“Eli. Quarterbacks the Giants”.
“Yes, Eli. Does he have anything to do with you or your Patriot organization?
“No. His only connection to me is that he beat the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl. In 2008 and again in 2012.”
Brady’s demeanor suddenly changed as though he was possessed, a wicked, almost devilish grin on his formerly cherubic face.
“Mr. Toady. I definitely think the IRS should investigate Eli Manning.”
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