As the most boring of all major sporting events snakes its way into my ESPN consciousness, I call my Time Warner guy and immediately increase my movie channels. There has to be a way to enjoy watching paint dry with a ball bouncing around. But, how? Read on…

First of all, make the field shorter. Right now it looks like ants moving across the floor of the Astrodome. Zzzzzzz. We need to make the action come ALIVE without turning it into Arena Soccer. Shorten the field by 2/3. Add more players. Allow predatory animals to roam the field eating competitors as they dodge the lions, tigers and bears and try to kick the ball. Spice it up!

Secondly, the goal is so dang small. WIDEN that sucker. And let’s have a rule: All goalies have to be Hooter’s girls. I think the babe that whipped off her shirt for the U.S, Brandy Chastain, had the right idea. Let’s look forward to watching the girls try to stop the ball. One more thing, build a huge mud pit around the goal. Oh yeah!

Next, most of the real action is in the stands. All those crazy countries going insane with every head butt or sidekick so at each intermission, get the players safely into the locker room and let the nutty fans storm the field kicking and punching each other and the animals! Wow. I would watch that, wouldn’t you?

Change the scoring. For every goal it is six points, like real football. Then, an extra point after. The Hooter’s girl is only allowed to block it with her butt. Hilarious! If she takes off her shirt after a goal, deduct two points from the goal. You want men to WATCH soccer don’t you?

Finally, whichever side drinks the most alcohol, their country gets a 10+ bonus in points. This will make the events on the field more intriguing to watch. Drunken people, especially girls gone wild, will add to the fervor and flavor of the World Cup. Trust me.

Under these recommendations, I would watch the World Cup. I would even TIVO it…

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