In the1950’s and 1960’s there was no more acute observer of the American political scene than satirist Mort Sahl. In the tradition of humorists like Mark Twain and Will Rogers, Sahl played no favorites; skewering Republicans and Democrats with equal aplomb, he was the forerunner to today’s political satirists, including Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart.

At the height of the Vietnam War in 1967, Sahl did a satiric monologue describing the three basic political factions in the United States, the Left Wing, the Right Wing and the Moderates. In turn, he further subdivided each of those three factions into three wings, left, center and right, creating nine divisions in all so the political spectrum looked like this.

LEFT WING MODERATES RIGHT WING
—————————————————————————————————————
left center right left center right left center right

To illustrate his point, he was able to categorize anyone’s political philosophy using their stance on the Vietnam War. For example, the “left-wing Left Wing” position was that the United States should unconditionally withdraw from Vietnam (which became the official American position five years later). The “center-wing Moderate” position was “we should stay because the Communists may strike somewhere else in the world” while the “right-wing Right Wing” position was that we should immediately start bombing Communist China.

Since then, little has changed - the political divisions remain. Today’s Left Wing reads the Daily Kos blog and the Huffington Post, watches MSNBC, considers Keith Olbermann their spokesman, and longs for the pre-Monica days of Bill Clinton.

Sahl’s Right Wing, now known as Conservatives, reads the National Review, watches Fox News, reveres Rush Limbaugh as their spokesman, and wistfully recalls the days of Ronald Reagan.

Moderates are currently searching for something to read because the only middle of the road publication left is People Magazine. Everything else has folded or has become a house organ of the Left or Right. Moderates are reduced to watching Jay Leno and The Simpsons, have no spokesman and they pine for the days of Johnny Carson.

With apologies to Mort Sahl, here is how today’s political factions, beginning with the Moderates, shake out on our current hot-button issue, health care:

Moderates - the “left-wing Moderates” favor the Government’s Public Option health care plan. There will be no “death panels” and Nancy Pelosi must be kept as far away as possible.

Moderates- the “center-wing Moderates” favor the Government Public Option health care plan, assuming it can be made revenue neutral. They hope President Obama knows what he is doing, while harboring secret doubts about Joe Biden.

Moderates- the “right-wing Moderates” oppose a Government Public Option health care plan because they are convinced it will never be revenue neutral and will require Government subsidies indefinitely. They hope President Obama knows what he is doing, but they suspiciously eye Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod.

Right Wing – the “left-wing Right Wing” want no health reform. They believe our health care system is the best in the world. Let the free market sort it all out. Everyone is on their own - as long as the stock market goes up and their taxes go down.

Right Wing – the “center-wing Right Wing” want no health reform. In fact, they are in favor of scrapping socialist Government programs like Medicare and Medicaid. The money saved should be used for subsidies to the insurance and pharmaceutical industries.

Right Wing - the “right-wing Right Wing” want to invade Canada, take over their health care system, and show them how it should be done.

Left Wing – the “right-wing Left Wing” also oppose any Government Public Option health care plan. For them, nothing less than Single Payer health care will do. Right away, no debate, by Government fiat.

Left Wing- the “center-wing Left Wing” want a Single Payer health care plan and they think the military should be disbanded to pay for it. Health Care Reeducation Camps will be set up for those at town hall meetings who disagree. The first one for Camp Reeducation is Sarah Palin.

Left Wing –the “left-wing Left Wing” want Single Payer health care, financed by breaking up the military. Besides Health Care Reeducation Camps, they want to make free medical care available to everyone in North America - Mexico and Canada included. The only people excluded from free health care, or any health care for that matter, will be George Bush, Dick Chaney and Rush Limbaugh.

Have PoliticalMavens.com delivered to your inbox in a daily digest by clicking here