I know he’s not dead yet, but like so many newspapers which compose obituaries years in advance of a major figure’s death — just to be ready — I’ve been sitting on this one for a while. And I just couldn’t wait anymore. I also figured it’s best to publish now, since it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead.
On the other hand, from the looks of it, Carter might never die. So just in case he never dies, I didn’t want this eulogy to go unseen. Please note that any proper tribute to Carter must necessarily come in the form of a poem. Being a big fan of poetry, when Carter was a member of the Georgia legislature, he and the other Democrats would sit around the capitol building analyzing Bob Dylan songs. And recall this past January how actress Renee Zellweger gushed, “I have a crush on Jimmy Carter. I admit it. He has an extraordinary mind. He’s an exceptional human being. And he writes poetry, for crying out loud. He’s all good things.”
Including a Jew-killing enabler. She even stood in line for 2.5 hours in freezing temperature so he could sign her copy of his latest volume of The Protocols.
And so herewith, my poetic eulogy in honor of a hero to Muslims and Nazis alike, Jimmy Carter:
O Jimmy Carter,
Upon this world were you a farter.
Things were tough enough, and you made them harder,
Relations with Iran, never sweet, you made them tarter.
Did you know you’d be such a fire-starter?
You thought yourself a uniter, instead you were a parter,
For jihad were you a happy martyr.
And when you slipped off Arafat’s garter,
With the Devil did this “Christian” barter.
In the end, even the Dumb Jews from you did finally departer.
You think you’re going to Heaven, but God is smarter,
For it is Hell that will make you a fire-darter.
In closing, since Carter’s favorite things to do were building houses for poor people and helping Arabic people kill Jewish people, to honor him I think Habitat for Humanity should build his wife Rosalynn a house in Gaza.
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