There has been a lot in the news lately about marijuana, both its use for medicinal purposes and its possible legalization in general.  President Barack Obama revealed that the matter of potential legalization was the most asked question by people participating in his internet town hall this week.

As far as marijuana for medical purposes is concerned, I have a hunch a lot of people have figured a way to obtain it without actually having health reasons for using it.  And although smoking isn’t my thing, I can sort of relate.

I’d love to have a doctor tell me, “Take two glasses of wine and call me in the morning.”  Actually, I sometimes need two glasses of wine before going to the doctor, especially those appointments where he puts on a rubber glove and tells me to assume the position.

At the risk of being branded a square, the reasons I don’t use marijuana go beyond its illegality.

First, I don’t know what to call it to appear hip.  The only thing I know for sure is that you don’t call it “marijuana.”  Anyone doing that in a room full of smokers would be laughed right out the door.  Or, even if I knew how to find a dealer and I said, “I want to buy some marijuana,” he’d immediately peg me as a geek or a cop.  No, you have to use the right word.

But in observing marijuana smokers I find that the current acceptable or “in”word keeps changing.  For awhile it might be called “weed” by the marijuana community and then for a time it’s “pot” or “grass” and then maybe “dope.”  Or it could be called “Mary Jane” or “MJ,”  “smoke” or “bud.”  I just know that whichever one I chose by sheer guesswork, it would not be the name in current usage, and boy would I look dumb.  I just can’t keep up with the name changes.

I’m not sure just how marijuana smokers keep up with them either.  Maybe there’s a newsletter telling them that, while last month it was “joint,” this month it’s to be called “roach.”  I guess only marijuana insiders know for sure.

Also, I notice that when you smoke marijuana you have to use the word “man” a lot.  As in, “Hey man, this is good weed man.  Where did you score this stuff, man?    I’m feeling pretty hungry, man.  What do you say, man, we grab some potato chips, man.”

I have a problem with use of the word “man” in conversation.  I just don’t like to refer to someone I’m talking to as “man,” especially if they’re women, which marijuana smokers also refer to as “man.”  So my refusal to say “man” obviously disqualifies me from marijuana use.

And speaking of talking, marijuana smokers talk very slowly.  They draw out their words.  It can take them a long time to finish a sentence, and sometimes they forget what they were going to say before they get to the end of the sentence.

When I speak I like to move right along at a good clip.  I figure people aren’t all that interested in anything I have to say anyway, but if they have to wait several minutes for me to finish a sentence they’re definitely going to tune out before I get there.

Finally, when marijuana smokers get together, it seems that everyone loves everybody.  Everything is groovy.  Everyone is mellow.  If marijuana smoking is all about peace, love and harmony, I’m definitely excluded from taking a puff.  I don’t know anything about peace, love and harmony.  I’m a Republican.

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