WASHINGTON: The National Organization for Women today expressed anger in the aftermath of the miracle landing of US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River. NOW issued a statement saying, “The fact that one of the men aboard yelled ‘Women and children first’ as passengers were exiting the airplane is an outrage and an insult to all women. This viscious slur not only reduces women to the level of children, but implies that women are not as capable as men in situations like this and need special treatment. Once we identify which of the male pigs aboard the plane made the sexist remark we will consider a lawsuit against him for defaming an entire gender.”
NORFOLK, VA: The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has reacted with disgust to the deaths of an unknown number of geese in an incident involving a US Airways jet that had just taken off from New York. A statement issued at PETA headquarters in Norfolk said, “The unwarranted assault by a commercial airplane upon a flock of innocent geese is yet another example of man’s inhumane treatment of animals. We have no doubt that these geese fatalities were the result of the actions of a sick, sadistic pilot who, rather than flying around them, decided to kill them. We call upon the authorities to bring animal cruelty charges against the pilot, and we send our condolences to the next of kin of the geese who were so brutally slaughtered.”
NASHVILLE: Former Vice President Al Gore says the mid-air incident that caused a US Airways jet to make an emergency ditching in the Hudson River is the direct result of global warming. “There’s no doubt in my mind that were it not for Republican inaction on climate change, this unfortunate accident would never have happened,” he added. “Global warming has so disturbed the geese population that many of them have decided to commit suicide, which is what I assume this flock was doing. As the planet continues to heat up I expect there will be more geese suicides in the future,” he said.
NEW YORK: In an editorial, The New York Times today diminished the actions of US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who saved the lives of all aboard when he landed a jet in the Hudson River after losing power in both engines. “Why was the plane not piloted by a Muslim?” the editorial asked. “Is it the discriminatory policy of US Airways to keep Muslims out of the cockpit on planes that take off from New York airports? If that is the case, and the policy was made with 9/11 in mind, we have three words for them: Get over it.” The editorial went on to question whether people who seemingly fell into the water were actually pushed in because they were minorities or illegal immigrants, and whether Captain Sullenberger condoned such actions.
HOLLYWOOD: Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore has announced plans for a movie about the US Airways jet forced down into the Hudson River by dual engine failure. The movie will center on the pilot, Chesley Sullenberger, and will be called, “White Men Can’t Fly: Failure to Reach the Destination.”
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