Give Us This Day Our Daily Jest: December 27, 2008
A California plastic surgeon claims he has developed a car that runs on human fat. Environmentalists are urging Congress to allow drilling on Rosie O’Donnell.
The FDA says Diet Coke Plus does not contain enough nutrients to bear the word “plus.” In response, the Coca-Cola Company says the “plus” isn’t for the nutrients, it’s REDACTED.
After learning Pakistan is moving troops to the Indian border, President Bush asked both sides to exercise restraint…at least for the next 25 days.
Despite begging the government for a bailout, the United Auto Workers continues to own a $33 million dollar lakeside retreat and golf course in Michigan. But in their defense, the economy has been so bad that they’ve had to carry their own clubs.
Pro-golfer John Daly smashed a spectator’s camera against a tree while playing in a tournament. It may sound impressive, but Daly’s pretty much an expert when it comes to hitting trees on a golf course.
Drew Peterson, under investigation for the deaths or disappearances of two wives, is engaged again. The couple is registered at Sears, Target and Aurora Casket Company.
Xerox started a program that allows people to send Christmas cards to troops overseas…after a considerable amount of kicking, banging and head-scratching.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Jesus would “stand with the people in opposition to the bullying powers” if He were alive today. He’d probably add, “Dude, what’s with the Members Only jacket?”
Barack Obama released a recorded message expressing appreciation to the U.S. military…and to Sarah Palin.
A Connecticut dentist lost a law suit filed by a woman who claims he gave her “horse teeth.” When asked how much money she wanted, the woman stomped her foot 200,000 times.
Critics say Tom Cruise’s “Valkyrie” borders on Nazi apologia… but not nearly as much as “Marley & Me” does.
Great Moments in Jest History (From The Jesting Archives):
December 26, 1998:
President Clinton wants Congress to lower the blood-alcohol limit for drunk driving to .08%. And to make “Ladies Night” mandatory at least twice a week.
December 26, 2007:
Joe Dolan has died at age 68. Dolan was one of Ireland’s first pop music stars. The other is Bono.