Give Us This Day Our Daily Jest: December 20, 2008
Note: Thanks to the fine folks at Continental Airlines, I got to spend three hours in an airplane Thursday night without even leaving the ground. Since my new flight isn’t until Saturday, I have time to get in an unexpected round of jest.
The government will loan the auto industry $17 billion in exchange for the following concessions from the Big 3: shares in the companies, regular progress reports, and the undercoating thrown in for free.
The Obama Administration is considering a new post that would reach out to Iran. Hey guys, I think we’ve already got one. It’s called the stealth bomber.
Governor Blagojevich has made his first public comments since his arrest. The governor was quoted as saying, “I have $1 million, $1 million, $1 million. Do I hear $1.5, $1.5, $1.5?”
A judge has signed an order freezing the assets of Bernard Madoff. Fitting, since so many of his victims are now freezing their assets off.
Gladiators will hold a series of mock fights in The Coliseum for the first time in 2,000 years. In a related story, Russell Crowe will punch a bellboy for the first time in two weeks.
Scientists at Texas A&M say Santa’s reindeer are most likely female. Ok—that’s settled. Now how’s that cancer research coming along?
Katie Holmes will not accompany Tom Cruise to the Golden Globes so she can appear in her Broadway play. Plus, Tom will want to REDACTED.
Several issues caused problems during the first-ever NFL game to be broadcast in 3D. The biggest one? The weather. It was so cold that REDACTED.
Scores, the famous Manhattan strip club, will close before the end of the year. The owner says he’s worried about what the girls will do…and what Howard Stern will have left to talk about.
Khloe Kardashian, at the unveiling of her new anti-fur billboard for PETA, told a stunned group of supporters that everyone else in her family wears fur…and that she thinks she’s a good actress.
Saturday Night Live is being criticized for a skit that made fun of New York Governor David Paterson’s physical disability. In a statement, the shows producers apologized, saying, “We forgot that it’s not ok to make fun of politicians with disabilities…who are not Republicans.”
Great Moments in Jest History (From The Jesting Archives):
December 19, 1957:
Meredith Willson’s new play, “The Music Man,” has opened on Broadway. Women who have seen it say it’s a delightful, family comedy, but can’t figure out why a man named Meredith who writes Broadway plays won’t ask them out.
December 19, 1998:
President Clinton has been impeached by the House of Representatives. When asked for comment, REDACTED.
December 19, 2003:
Moammar Gadhafi has agreed to halt Libya’s attempts to develop nuclear and chemical weapons…and to turn his daughter’s room into a study.
December 19, 2003:
Architects have unveiled plans for a 1,776-foot glass tower at the site of the World Trade Center. Architects who obviously weren’t paying attention.