In a stunning turnabout, Senator Hillary Clinton is now claiming there WAS sniper fire when she raced from her plane to safety on her trip there in 1996. “I admitted that I am ‘human’ but I was misunderstood. I was just trying to be humble! Now that I have seen the footage from that trip it is obviously a phony video made to look like I was completely safe when in fact I was NOT! This is the lowest level that Senator Obama and his people have stooped to in this campaign and, as a result, I am no longer considering him for my Vice-President! He is now Thomas Eagleton to me.”

When reporters pressed Hillary on why she believed the tape of her was, “doctored,” she snarled, “First of all, if you look closer at the video that is not me! I have never worn an outfit like that. Those are not my colors. I am a summer. Plus, I have never met anyone named, “Sinbad” and in 1996, Chelsea was sick the entire year with mononucleosis so she couldn’t have made the trip. It is another sick attempt to portray me as dishonest and fake and I am not that way at all.”

“I am from Politico, so then, who is the woman in the video, Senator Clinton?”

“My guess is Madonna. Her career at that point was slowing down. There was a vast right-wing conspiracy trying to drown out her voice and Bosnia was the perfect place for her to make an appearance. In fact, I did go to Bosnia in the 1990’s and I have the real footage to prove it. I was under heavy sniper fire and almost got hit several times. I carried a small derringer in my purse to protect me against Bill’s bimbos and I had it that night. I do believe I shot a rebel and I think I wounded him in the foot or killed him. Had I not done so, he would have taken me out, I am sure.”

“Washington Post, here. So, are you going to release that tape of your real trip to Bosnia?”

“Absolutely! I will do so when I release my tax records and other documented footage of me leading my country during the time when Bill and I ruled the United States as the greatest administration in our nation’s Presidential history…”

“USA Today, Senator. But, you haven’t released your tax records…”

“Excuse me, but I have been BUSY! Hello? You try running for President, buddy boy. I imagine a tough day for you is to arrange your color coded sections of your goofy paper, which by the way, sure crinkles up easily unlike a more expensive piece of newsprint. I have little respect for the USA Today and even less for people who do not have a work ethic or do not return sniper fire. I could have died out there and all of you are mocking me for singing, ‘Kum-bay-uh’ or however you say it!”

“Wall Street Journal, Senator. So, the lady in the footage is not you…?”

“Obama knows it is not me. You know it is not me. God knows it is not me. If I tell you that I almost died in battle…(chokes on her tears)…excuse me, I just love my country so much. I love baseball, apple pie and Chevrolet. (more tears) I love Bosnia. I love West Virginia. I love that cute little David kid on American Idol…(choking up again) Why does everyone HATE me? What did I do that was so wrong other than get involved in several scandals, be constantly arrogant, allow my husband to make a laughing stock out of me and our marriage, come up with a ridiculous health care plan, wear a cowboy hat in Texas and a plaid shirt in Minnesota, talk with a Southern accent in Georgia and a Bronx one in New York, come across like an elitist and… (sobbing now) WHY? WHY? Now, I know how Nancy Kerrigan felt when she was whacked with a baseball bat…WHY! I am only HUMAN!!! Leave me alone, America. If you don’t want the most qualified person to turn this country around while you sleep at night you can all go to…oh just forget it!”

As a stunned press corps watches, Senator Clinton storms off the dais and as she begins to disappear behind the curtain she turns back and says, “War is hell, okay?”

A press release from Senator Obama’s camp simply stated, “We obviously have no comment on Senator Clinton’s explanation. We just pray she finds the help she needs.”

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