Every few blue moons a crime is committed specifically to appease the gods of comedy. Lorena Bobbitt’s freelance sex change on her husband John comes to mind. And there was Amy Fisher’s shooting of her lover’s rival Mary Jo Buttafouco, in the so-called “Long Island Lolita” case. And let us not forget the runaway bride from Georgia.
Now, all of these women seem refreshingly sane compared to the stone cold freakyness of one Lisa Marie Nowak. We have all heard the details by now, unless we live in a cave; (sorry, Osama) Nowak, a Navy Captain and space shuttle astronaut, drove 900 miles from Orlando to Houston, while wearing a diaper, so as not to have to stop for pee breaks, to confront her would be lover’s rival, one Captain (also Navy) Colleen Shipman, whom she allegedly planned to kidnap and murder.
After spraying Shipman with pepper spray and attempting to abduct her, police arrested the crazed Nowak and found in her possession pepper spray, a pellet pistol, a metal mallet, a knife, four feet of rubber tubing and trash bags. Or, as O.J. Simpson calls it, “The stuff in my fanny pack.”
While Nowak’s defense attorney will no doubt claim she planned to invite Shipman along on some sort of plumbing renovation job, it is obvious that Nowak had bad intentions; such as spraying Shipman with pepper spray, then dazing her with the metal mallet, then tying her up and or asphyxiating her with the rubber tubing, then dismembering her with the knife, then placing her assorted bits and pieces in the trash bags and disposing of them hither and yon, on the return trip back to Orlando.
Houston police detectives are so certain that Nowak planned such a scenario that she has been charged with no less than kidnapping and attempted murder. All of this would be flat out wacky no matter what Nowak’s profession. Lets say Nowak was an office manager, or an exotic dancer or a New York Times lifestyles reporter, people would still say, “Man, what a nutbag!” But Lisa Marie Nowak is a Navy Captain and an astronaut. She has a master’s degree and a husband and three children. She is not only functioning but functioning on a very high level.
Yet, obviously, when it comes to navigating personal love relationships Lisa Marie Nowak is criminally insane. Even more perplexing, is Nowak’s own admission that her relationship with the man in the love triangle, Navy Commander and fellow astronaut William “Billy-O” Oefelein (Oh-Fu-Leen) is “more than a working relationship but less than a love relationship.” In other words, it is not even a love triangle but rather a LIKE triangle. One can only imagine were it a real love affair, Nowak might do something truly rash. Like drive 2000 miles, while wearing a really big diaper, then attempt to strap Shipman to a rocket and blast her into space.
Amazingly, despite the severity of the charges, a judge has released Nowak on a paltry $15,000 bond. She is a free woman. Meanwhile, NASA has placed Nowak on 30 days suspension and removed her from all mission related duties, as part of their strict zero tolerance policy on driving 900 miles, while wearing a diaper and attempting a hair-brained kidnapping with a pellet gun, pepper spray, a metal mallet, a knife and four feet of rubber tubing. How many times does this have to happen before they draw the line?
The field of psychiatry is utterly useless in explaining this little pre-Valentine’s Day romp. Sigmund Freud in his prime would best explain this behavior with a shrug and the wagging of an index finger toward his temple. All the while, the 24-hour news shows try to pose absurd questions about “the stresses of space travel.” SHUT UP! That’s like questioning whether Lorena Bobbitt wacked off John’s manhood due to the bitter fruit of being a nail technician. We will never get a satisfactory answer for why Nowak did what she did.
For pure weirdness Lisa Marie Nowak has braved uncharted waters; she has boldly gone where no psycho skank has gone before.
Have PoliticalMavens.com delivered to your inbox in a daily digest by clicking here