In case you missed the recent Super Bowl match-up between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts, here is a recap of the game by Fox Sports analysts Daryl (”Moose”) Johnston, former starter for the Dallas Cowboys, and Judy (”Mom”) Gruen, who is chronically late for Pilates class.
“Moose” Johnston: The Bears began with an amazing opening touchdown, but they donít seem to be taking advantage of that start. I question the coaching decisions on both the offense and the defense. Defensively they are playing too much coverage. Where is their run game? Where is the offense?
“Mom” Gruen: I think those grass stains are going to be really hard to get out of these uniforms, especially in this rain. I hope they try Wisk with stain remover.
Johnston: Peyton Manning just rebounded brilliantly with masterful play-calling and pinpoint execution. Indy is charging back. People have knocked Manning for not being able to throw on the run. Well, how about that fifty-three-yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne in the first quarter while moving to his right and while avoiding heavy pressure?
Gruen: Yes, thatís very impressive. I never understood how they run so fast wearing those tight pants.
Johnston: Desmond Clark has been bobbling catches all day. That was a nice hit, but he has to make that catch.
Gruen: Donít give up on the Bears just yet. Maybe if they huddle and pray like they did in “Remember the Titans” they can come from behind.
Johnston: The Colts coach, Tony Dungy, has made brilliant tactical decisions, especially in the second quarter on 4th-and-3 at the Bears thirty-five yard line with Indy trailing 14-6. Punter Hunter Smith pinned the Bears on the four-yard line, they went three-and-out and the sequence led to an Adam Vinatieri chip shot to make it 14-9.
Gruen: This football lingo is a little confusing to me sometimes, Moose. But that sounds right.
Johnston: We havenít talked about the impact of this rain. I hope those last two interceptions by Grossman were the result of a wet ball and not just bad decisions and bad throws.
Gruen: I think those little tea towels they have tucked into their pants are not nearly enough to keep them dry. These guys probably weigh at least two hundred fifty pounds each, maybe more. They should have bigger towels.
Johnston: The Bears offense has not used the “Deep In” enough today. Itís Grossmanís best throw and I can only remember one in the game. His confidence has to be shaken.
Gruen: My confidence is also shaken, Moose. When did the NFL decree that all the players have to have tattoos? Why are their biceps the size of my hubcaps? I tell you, some of these guys look really menacing. Iím glad they have gainful employment.
Johnston: Now itís 19-14 in the third quarter and the Bears are actually moving the football in their possession, something they havenít done since the first quarter. Rex Grossman got an eleven-yard gain for Chicagoís first first down since early in the game. Grossmanís hit on Bernard Berrian for nine yards brings up 2nd-and-1 at the Indy 45.
Gruen: Hit, hit, hit. Thatís all this game seems to be about. Basketball and baseball arenít nearly so rough, and the players donít have to be dressed by NASA.
Johnston: Taking a break from straight football talk, I found a place in town that serves the most amazing crab cake appetizers and rib eye steak, with a creamed spinach side dish and banana crŤme pie for dessert. Would you like to join me and some of the other commentators after the game?
Gruen: No thanks. I just spoke to Don Shula, who is bragging to everyone about having lost fifty pounds with Nutrisystem. Now Iíve lost my appetite. But thanks anyway.
Johnston: Looks like an injured player on the field.
Gruen: Well, here comes a medic. Once he pours Gatorade all over the guy, heíll rise and hobble heroically from the field. They always do. I wonder whatís in that Gatorade?
Johnston: Donít take this personally, but you donít seem to know much about football. Why are you commenting on the Super Bowl?
Gruen: Troy Aikman wasnít available, so I said Iíd fill in. Besides, I wouldnít say I have no qualifications. I lived in Chicago when the Bears defeated the New England Patriots in the 1985 Super Bowl, and my husband was born and raised in Chicago.
Johnston: It drives me crazy when a punter kicks a ball into the end zone from midfield.
Gruen: Me too!
Johnston: The Bears are going down. Booger MacFarland and Bob Sanders have really made huge plays for the Colts.
Gruen: Itís not surprising that someone with the unfortunate name of “Booger” would pursue a career where this type of aggression is prized.
Johnston: The Bears have played really lousy football. Donít you agree, Judy?
Gruen: How can I really tell? Itís hard to see whatís happening on the field. To me it just looks like one ten-man pile-up after another. All I know is that my husband and sons are going to be very upset if the Bears lose. But at least they wonít care what I make for dinner. I think Iíll get pizza.
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