A friend and I were watching an old black-and-white movie one night on my TV, when she said, “Look, their faces move.”
She was right, all sorts of expressions; smiles, grimaces, coy glances. It was as if the actors faces expressed their emotions. “Even their cheeks move,” my friend said, amazed. Occasionally, one would see crow’s feet around the eyes and Clark Gable certainly had a very wrinkly forehead.
Imagine Clark Gable’s forehead today. It would be as smooth as a basketball, pumped full of collagen and Botox and insulation foam. If she were making movies today, Bettye Davis would be talked into having an eye-job and Charlie Chaplin would wax off his mustache.
Stars have gone to such lengths to stay young that modern Hollywood looks like a wax museum. In fact, experts agree, the most natural looking Tom Cruise to be found is at Madam Tussaud’s.
It probably starts small. A woman in her 30s starts hearing her friends yapping about their little nips and tucks. What’s the big deal? Women are always dying their hair and doing all sorts of “peels” and “wraps,” what’s the harm in a little collagen in the lips? I mean, I DID get my boobs done for my college graduation present. First, a little collagen in the lips, for some of that pouty Angelina Jolie look. You leave the doctor’s office bearing a striking resemblance to Daffy Duck. But nobody tells you you look like Daffy Duck because THEY looked like Daffy Duck a few months ago and they may very well look like Daffy Duck again soon. So they say, “Oh my God! You look great!”
Your brain files that away. “Dangerous medical procedures= Acceptance among my peers.”
So you do more; liposuction, laser zit-and-or mole removal. And then, Botox. Which is short for Botulism toxin. But why throw so many words around. Especially when one of the words is “Botulism” and the other word is “Toxin.” “Botox” sounds so much better than “Botulism toxin.” As in, “Hey Claire, I just got another coupon from my doctor, wanna go in on having Botulism toxin injected into our increasingly jowly faces?”
It is hard to imagine a drug that sounds less dangerous than Botulism Toxin. It would have to be something like “Bubonic Death Gas.”
“Sandy, your skin is positively glowing, did you get a face-life?” “Nope, it’s Bubonic Death Gas, it’s the Bomb!”
Of course “Bubonic Death Gas,” like Botox, would be marketed with a less horrifying nickname, like, “Bubgas” or simply “BDG.”
When an appearance conscious ager is not quite ready for a face-lift, Botox is the next best thing. It sort of fills in the crevices, it gets under the wrinkles and puffs them out. (Sorry about all the technical jargon.) With Botox, you don’t look wrinkly anymore but you do look like you have taken on fluids. Like maybe you lived under the sea for a year or two. Without naming names, clearly Sylvester Stallone looks like a man who has gotten to know Botox on a first name basis. In “Rocky Balboa,” Sly looks like he may have overpowered his dermatologist and taken a few syringes home. Though still happening at 60, Stallone looks vaguely like his head has been inflated with a bicycle pump.
When the cruel savagery of nature’s wrath becomes unacceptable, when a person is like 70, it is time for surgery. Enter Kenny Rogers. Doctors hovered over his photos, particularly from the “Gambler” period. “We can rebuild him, we can make him look just as lifelike as ever, people will watch him on stage at an Indian Casino and swear that the clock has turned back to 1978.”
So Kenny went in for the complete cranial redo, or “a Michael” as it’s called in the business, and when all the bandages came off, Kenny’s wife screamed in horror, then sobbed, “Oh My God! You look great!”
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