The President of the United States is George W. Bush. His popularity rating with the American people is a shocking 29%. It is obvious he needs a public relations genius to bolster his poll numbers. He needs someone who can put him back on top and keep him there. He needs a man of miracles who understands what the voters in this country are looking for if he ever wants a chance to go down as one of the great leaders in history. In short, he needs to turn his image completely around and become really cool again to everyone outside of the White House.

In short, he needs me.

He NEEDS me.

I am the man who can change his entire image if he is smart enough to let me. But, I will demand total control over his makeover. This has to be my way or the highway. I require 100% cooperation or he will dip into single digits within a few more months. He needs to trust me. Here is my five step plan for his political recovery. Let the Red Sea open and the exodus begin…

First, get the nation’s mind OFF the war in Iraq. From this moment forward, as far as the White House goes, it does not exist. At every press briefing and news conference, President Bush and Tony Snow need to answer every question about the events in Baghdad and the surrounding countryside with the same mantra, “There is no war in Iraq. That was settled long ago. We wish them well. Next question!” There. Good job. Eventually, like a child finally realizing that he or she is not going to get their toy in the grocery store, the media will finally give up and ask other pertinent questions like, “What about Afghanistan?” “What about Iran?” “What about North Korea?” Again, I advise the two men who hang out in and around the Oval Office, “Everything is fine over there. We are working on it. Next question!” These questions will also pass and the news people will have nothing to report about the international strategies of the President of the United States. Soon, they will become desperate for any news from him and they will beg for a story line. We shall give it to them. Step two…

This is the time to bring out the social howitzer that has been largely hidden from the American people.

Laura Bush.

Wow.

This lady needs to be on the cover of every magazine and not in a frumpy outfit, either. Where have you been Jacqueline Kennedy? Take the wraps off lovely Laura and you will see an immediate ten point increase in her husband’s poll numbers! We are talking cleavage here. Why not? Every other woman in our society is doing it! Why do you think Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson are getting all kinds of ink? Is it because of their, uh, talent? Uh, no. They are easy on the eyes, baby. Both men and women like to look at sexy babes. So, why is Laura Bush always wearing a long dress with high neck collars? This isn’t Barbara Bush or Mamie Eisenhower. This is a very sensuous woman. Put her in a v neckline with spaghetti straps and she will turn that front page on the USA Today into a men’s magazine cover! She will be the talk of the country. Remember Shirley Jones in, “Elmer Gantry?” A gal with a heart of girl being naughty? I think Laura can pull that off, too. No one will want to talk about boring Iraq or the federal deficit at the office water cooler the next day. But, everyone will have something good to say about a first lady who makes men smile.

Okay, we are up to 39%. Big jump and lots of momentum going our way now, Dubya…

Third, put the cowboy hat back on. We miss Ronald Reagan at his ranch. We need to see that ax chopping wood and the plaid shirt. We love cowboys, right? “Yippee ki ay…” well, you know the rest. Roy Rogers, Hopalong Cassidy and now, George Bush will take us into the sunset. Talk tough. Get that growl back in yer voice, pardner! Give us that look that says, “I’m gonna clean up Dodge City. Get out of my way you yellow-bellied hombres! This will ignite the red state voters and they will pronounce their undying loyalty, “I support my cowboy President. Give ‘em hell, Ron!” (not realizing his name is actually George) Add five points for the ax.

44% and cresting.

Fourth, keep certain administration figures out of the public eye for the next two years. Dick Cheney, James Baker, most of the cabinet members…these dour images are downers. Down, down, DOWN. We need vibrancy. We need charisma. Put Condi in tight jeans with an attitude. Let her strut her stuff. We need to see her booty. We love Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry and Whitney Houston, (is she still alive?) so it is time for America to be enthralled with a hot, black woman that will make us forget Warren Christopher. (is he still alive?) Let’s give her a nickname, “The Secretary of State with Sass!” I like it. So, will the voters. There is something about mahogany skin and a gap between two front teeth that drives men wild. Oh yeah!

49%…almost there.

Finally, it is time to put President Bush over the top. My ace in the hole. I was saving the best for the last. Here is the clincher making my leader one of the most popular chief executives in history. (Join me in humming, “Hail to the Chief!”) My final suggestion to George W. Bush to bring him all the way back from the pit of polling…

Become a judge on, “American Idol.”

You think I’m kidding? Simon says, “Watch both the television and political ratings SKYROCKET!”

Randy, Paula, the caustic Brit and…the President of the United States of America. A panel made in heaven. Can’t you just hear him now?

“I like your voice, darlin’. You remind me of my twin daughters growing up. They used to warble all over the ranch. That’s how I fell in love with country and your reinditioning of Patsy Cline was just peaches and cream. Yes ma’am. Hearing you belt out, ‘Crazy,’ makes me all mushy inside. Why I’m gonna lay awake all night long and think about her and Hank Williams and George Jones and LOREYTA Lynn and…”

“Mr. President?”

“Yes, Simon?”

“It’s REINDITION.”

“You’re a snob, Cowell.”

Mr. President?”

“Yes?”

“Please shut up.”

“Cheerio!” (He throws a pork rind he has been chewing at his fellow panelist) “Take that, Big Ben! (The audience cheers wildly!) As the leader of the free world, I can kick your butt, Beatle boy! (more cheering!) Here’s a cork to replace the one you lost somewhere on your anatomy. This girl can SING! You’re the loser, she’s the winner and I am giving her the Presidential seal! Yippee ki ay…you know what!” (The audience erupts in a standing ovation as Simon sinks lower into his seat)

DATELINE: NBC News. Washington D.C.

The latest poll on President Bush after his appearance last night on, “American Idol” soared over 60% capping one of the greatest political comebacks in American history. If trends continue, George Bush will become the most popular chief executive since George Washington took office in his first term. The President thanked his supporters as he and Laura walked swiftly to the Presidential helicopter flying them to Los Angeles to host the 2006 Playboy Jazz Festival Awards. Accompanying them was his recently hired publicist, Patrick J. Hurley with his new girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. The President looked very happy as he waved to reporters.

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